Posted on 2011.03.07 at 23:11
Current Mood: annoyed
Current Music: I Keep Myself to Myself ~ The Boys Least Likely To
Why is it that I keep making the same mistakes? It is horrifyingly disturbing that I haven't learned my lesson by now.
Another day. Another lesson that I should keep myself to myself.
At times like these, I like to think that Yes. In my next life, maybe if I plow through all this and am the best I can possibly be, I will be born normally. Or have a better mentality.
It is sad when reincarnation is one of the few things that keep me going.
Posted on 2011.03.04 at 23:00
Current Mood: appreciative
Current Music: Three Rounds and a Sound ~ Blind Pilot
No matter what I do, no matter what I think, no matter what I choose, no matter what -- I know there will be two people who will never, ever abandon me.
As a child, I have not given much thought to my parents. They were just...there. I mean, I suppose I could given a lot more thought to them but at the time, I was too busy doing something or another (like eating wall plaster or playing with the monkeys in the backyard).
But then we moved to this new place, this new continent, and things changed.
I was 9 when we moved and to be honest, I was a very impressionable child to begin with. Basically I went with the crowd and tried to stand out as little as possible. And because of certain language barriers I had few friends and so, I spent a lot of time with my parents. Even then, I didn't think much of them. I was more self-centered as a child should (somewhat) be and concentrated a lot on trying to put as little strain on them as possible. For example, I asked for very little. I mean, I knew we weren't dirt poor or anything but still I didn't like to spend their money or ask for things that I don't really need even if I really wanted them (for example, I asked for a dictionary on my ninth birthday). That was my life for a while.
Come 5th grade, I grew resentful, hateful and probably every negative feeling in the world. I convinced myself that I hated my life and I hated everybody and I hated my parents. Every night, I'd recite that "I hate Ma and Pa and always will."
I grew older and it was noticeable that I was pretty good in school and so, I was put in advanced classes. This changed things for me because now that I was in classes that were harder, I kind of had to somewhat, kinda (not really) work for my grades. Even then, I'd get really good grades and then it happened.
I don't know whether this was a gradual process, but my parents were starting to become proud of me. I kept going into honors level classes and they were proud of me for that and they'd ask me "What do you want?" And I'd tell them I don't want anything because if I did want something, I'd want to buy it and if I wanted to buy that, I'd want to buy something else and if I wanted to buy something else, I'd want something else completely different. So the point was that I was lucky enough to realize that I was a selfish, greedy person and I'd rather have nothing than have to choose between everything.
Years pass and I realize that I don't have to choose between everything. My parents made it perfectly clear to me one day that if I wanted something, if something made me happy, they would do everything within their power and more to get that for me. Anything I wanted, it was mine.
And for that, I thank them.
I really don't show much appreciation for my folks in real life because that would be weird, unnecessary and out of character. But I do appreciate them. Very much so.
And because of this, I will do everything within my power to keep them happy. I know that it is their job to keep their children safe and to keep their children happy and all that lovely stuff but...my parents. They have been through so much and they will wholeheartedly disagree with this statement but: I feel like they deserve more happiness than I do.
I speak with complete honesty when I am the luckiest person ever to have the parents I do.
Posted on 2011.02.22 at 20:55
Current Mood: hyper
Current Music: Fuck You ~ Lilly Allen
Okay, I'm going to do something unorthodox (especially for my LJ). I'm actually going to talk about what happened today. ( unproductive but eventful day at schoolCollapse )